They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
