Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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