then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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