Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
