Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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