I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
