I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
this boner is exhausting
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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