I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
