her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think I won the penis lottery.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
