I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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