OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
