a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
