In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
