I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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