Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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