I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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