I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
