Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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