just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
two words: eviction party
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
