I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm so fucking centered right now
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
