If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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