"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
