The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just forgot I was standing up.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
