Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
