I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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