What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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