alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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