sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
