i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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