Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
