he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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