i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
i've created a new STD.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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