before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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