I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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