did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
