so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I smell like Dick and happiness
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
