I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
