Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
