So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
