Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
