Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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