I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
