My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
