I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
