Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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