So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
