I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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