oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
