No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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