No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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