Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
